By Jim Whitt
By now you know Dan Cathy, Chick-fil-A’s CEO, affirmed his belief in traditional marriage in a Baptist publication. What you don’t know is that this was a cleverly disguised marketing ploy to set a Guinness World Record for chicken sandwich sales in a single day. You have to hand it to Chick-fil-A. These people are marketing geniuses! They didn’t even spend their own money on this campaign. They received billions of dollars’ worth of free publicity from the main stream media. My guess is the kiss-in staged the day after the great chicken sandwich sale was really a Chick-fil-A idea to sell even more chicken.
You can hardly watch a football game without seeing the Chick-fil-A Holsteins painting chicken-promoting graffiti in a commercial. This did not escape the notice of Team Obama which shrewdly tore a page from the Chick-fil-A playbook. They decided newly acquired New York Jets’ quarterback Tim Tebow would be the perfect foil for their marketing scheme. Uber-Christian-Caucasian Tebow trying to usurp an established quarterback with a Latino-sounding name like Mark Sanchez in New York City! Are you kidding? This was an ad agency dream come true. I can hear James Carville cackling in the background.
So, President Obama picks up the phone and calls The Common Man & The Torg’s radio program (I’m not making this up) and says, “I’ve got to tell you, I don’t like the idea of a quarterback controversy at the start of the season.” Quarterback controversy of course being code for presidential controversy. Now, the intellectual listeners of The Common Man & The Torg were bound to connect this statement with that famous1864 quote by Abraham Lincoln, who in reply to a delegation from the National Union League who urged him to be their presidential candidate said: “An old Dutch farmer remarked to a companion once that it was not best to swap horses when crossing streams.”
Now, the “don’t change horses in the middle of the stream” message was brilliant in itself. Why elect a new president when everything in the country is going so well? The president was also subtly reaching out to Dutch-Americans, farmers, members of the National Union League, the Republican Party of which Honest Abe is the patron saint and horse owners like Ann Romney. Why, in the name of the late Rodney King, can’t we all just get along?
The Obama staff conducted extensive demographic research and learned Hispanic voters are big fans of The Common Man & The Torg. So, the president added, “If I was a Jets fan, I’d be pretty nervous. Sanchez led them to the playoffs two years in a row.” Whoa! Another subliminal message: “Forget about Mitt Romney considering Marco Rubio for his running mate, I’m going to replace Joe Biden with Mark Sanchez and he’ll help me clinch a second term.” After all, Mark Sanchez knows he’s as good as done with Jets fans who are already doing the Tebow. He might as well go into politics.
The president wrapped up the interview with, “I have been a big admirer of Penn State football.” That was the marketing coup d’état. How can you be more tolerant than to publicly declare admiration for Penn State football? In last week’s marketing wars, President Obama wins by a feather over Chick-fil-A.
Well sports fans, this may be the last you hear from your Okie commentator. I fear I might have taken my first amendment right of free speech slightly over the top this time. Should I escape the watchful eye of the FCC drones monitoring me 24/7 I promise to bring you more news you’ll never hear from The Common Man & The Torg. Good night and God bless. Can I say that?